I don't like the Buffalo Bills. When they went to four million superbowls in a row I hated them. Mainly because they were in the AFC and everyone knows the Oakland Raiders should be superbowl bound every year. One game the Bills played struck a chord with me though. January 3, 1999 the Bills in a playoff game are losing to the Oilers by a staggering 32 points. Their starting Quarterback Jim Kelly was hurt. They had every reason in the world to quit. It was out of hand. Instead they register the single greatest comeback in NFL history. They didn't quit, even though no one comes back from 32 down.
The reasons a game like that strike a chord with people are obvious. Everyone loves a come from behind underdog type of situation. I know I do. For me I guess it represents more than a feel good story. It represents the will to compete when losing is almost a surety. I grew up with the deck stacked against me. Mom and Dad fought. Not like Mom gives Dad the cold shoulder type fighting, but Mom yelling for someone to call the police because Dad is going to kill her type fighting. Life 7-Jeremiah-0. Then we moved a lot. Klamath Falls, Alaska, Monterey California, Sacramento, Victorville, San Diego-Victorville-San Diego, Alpine Oregon, Monroe then Harrisburg. It made a shy young man like myself learn that relationships are temporary and not to let anyone get closer than arms length. Why would I? Soon I would be gone and they would be a distant memory. Life 14-Jeremiah-0. In the mean time my parents finally divorced and it allowed Mom to pursue her pot and Dad to spend time gambling. The low point was after my brother had moved out and my Grandma had a heart attack. I was left in the trailer to celebrate my Christmas as a teen alone. I cut down a tree branch and propped it up. Threw some toilet paper on it as a garnish and called it good. Life 21-Jeremiah-0. I was lucky enough to have a family to spend time with that Christmas, my future in-laws the Skovbos with their daughter who did not want me there. I got a package of socks from their family, a gift obviously meant for someone else that they threw my name on because they felt bad for me. I score a fieldgoal for not being totally alone so if you are keeping score its Life 28-Jeremiah 3.
Dad got a girlfriend and moved to Corvallis so I asked a family to let me stay with them. They agreed. Dad moved back to town to get back together with a lady who hated me and he asked me to move back in with him. Life 35-Jeremiah 3. Down by 32. It didn't work out and I moved back in with the Oakes family to finish out high school there.
Through it all though I never had the spirit of a quitter. I just could not, could not accept the fact that I was resigned to lose. That I was so far behind that giving up was the right thing to do. It can be hard to kick against the goads I hear. I always hated losing anyway. Didn't matter if it was football or who was first in the lunch line I wanted to win. I was a super sore loser too. I hated to lose. When I moved to Harrisburg I got put on the worst baseball team we had. We lost all the time. I made the All Star team. My team may have lost a lot but I just couldn't quit. I could not accept the fact that I couldn't effect my circumstances by working hard, competing relentlessly and if I was going to lose I was going to lose knowing that I gave it all I had to give. Hell I got a pencil in the shape of a gavel given to me for being the best debater in class. I wouldn't even give up in an argument.
Then I decided to marry my highschool sweetheart Shannon. Life 35-Jeremiah 10. We were young and crazy and fought like hell, but I had married someone who had a spirit like mine. Neither one of us was willing to give up. It caused us to fight so long we forgot what we were fighting about and at the same time we loved so hard that we couldn't be separated. I thought at that time my future was working with youth in church. I was driven to succeed and make sure my life had purpose, reason and worth. Life 35-Jeremiah 17.
The church was called Crossfire and it had a dynamic Youth Pastor. Pastor Aaron was driven like me and worked relentlessly to see his ministry succeed. I fit in well when working to help him reach that goal. He moved to Senior Pastor and his promises followed to many in the church about how we would all work toward the greater good. Over time though I saw something that didn't line up right with my inner purpose. You could not succeed at the church unless you were willing to give up to whatever Aaron wanted. I am sorry if you are reading this and disagree. Feel free to do just that. I am speaking from my perspective, which may not be your own. I didn't give up. I just couldn't. I couldn't be the person that relied on the pastor for everything I received. I watched people give up their fighting spirit to live off of what they thought was faith, but what, in my opinion, was living off the church. The pastor wanted for absolutely nothing, however everyone fed from the scraps off the table. I couldn't just give up and think that my life boiled down to hand me down prosperity from someone who could not handle my fighting spirit. So I made the move and left. I left to go make a living that provided for my family. The church needed me to be the loser, even though the scoreboard didn't reflect it, and they let everyone know I was an adulterer and thief. It's their perspective and they are welcome to it. Reality is there was no infidelity and no money taken and I have since gone on to be very, very blessed in my pursuit of career stability. Life 35-Jeremiah 24.
Well here I stand. I have come from behind but the game is far from over. I just don't know how to quit though. I just can't. If I do quit, I know that the Jeremiah that I know will wither away. Sometimes that fact that I refuse to just throw in the towel when I am doomed to fail can frustrate and anger people but I guess I am Apollo Creed telling Rocky not to throw it. If I die, I die. But I do it my way. I go down swinging. If I am willing to fight over nothing you should know I will fight like hell when there is everything on the line. I'm a fighter. To my very core. If in the end I am the Bills and come from behind for a victory then I am remembered a champion. If I am like Leonidis in 300, and fight a losing battle, then hopefully I will be remembered as someone who never gave up. Someone who bloodied a few lips and cracked a few heads before being overpowered in the end.
Like I said, I am talking to myself. Like a timeout for a pep talk I needed to remind myself of who I am. What I am. I have to be me. I may seem stupid, I know I am still behind but at least I have my second wind. No humor here. You are due a refund if you read this blog under false pretense.
No comments:
Post a Comment