Feeling a bit retrospective maybe??

I dunno. I dunno. Maybe it is my grand old age of 32. Or perhaps the happenings of the last couple years have just shifted perspective so much that I am just not settled in my new vantage point. I really don't know. The other day I got some perspective on the term "The weight of the world". I was doing my normal thing, listening to a little Kenny G, candles lit soaking in a nice bath. Made sure I exfoliated. Called my wife in like it was an emergency so she could see me make my own jet tub from my rear. Typical bath night. I was there, half floating and tired. So I rolled on my side in the fetal position and closed my eyes. I kicked the drain plug and just let the water drain. I didn't move, nor did I want to move. I could have stayed warm and just laid there. No need to get up. The water was draining and I had one ear in the water and one ear out. Listening to it drain. As the level dropped I could feel my weight taking hold. Its funny, even though I know I didn't gain weight during the soothing melodies of K.G. I feel the water leaving the tub and I feel heavy. Just heavy. Like, unnaturally heavy. I felt like I didn't, maybe couldn't get up. Then I thought about babies. What a royal pain in the ass getting born must be for them. Here they have been, in a nice warm bath for as long as they can remember. Listening to a little Kenster a.k.a. mom's heart beat soothing them. They lay there in the fetal position not a care in the world. They don't even have to get out to eat. How awesome is that?! We interrupt this blog to bring you a brilliant idea I just thought of. Bathing in warm pudding. That way you can eat while you lay there. Back to the lecture at hand. The baby is there in little day spa heaven and then they can hear the water draining. Next thing they realize their head is going down the drain! Oh snap. Glad that doesn't happen during normal bathing. But nevertheless, next thing they know, they are out of the tub. They fell heavy, not twenty minute bath time heavy, but nine month never lifted a finger to do anything but poke mommy's bladder type heavy. You know what they feel? The weight of the world. The weight of the world on their shoulders. They can cry and moan but they can't lift their head its so heavy. Its damn bright and they can't seem to open their eyes. Poor kid is confused. He just got kicked out of club med and tossed into the ghetto without shoes or a wallet. That's how I felt for that brief moment. Like, "where did the water go?" I was heavy. Air felt heavy. I felt weak. Cold. Like Linsdey Lohan any given morning, just blah. I felt like that on the inside too, just the weight of the world on my shoulders. Then I thought about that whole baby thing, and then I thought, "How do friggin babies handle it?" So I pooped in the tub and cried until Shan cleaned me up. Now freshly diapered and in my bed, I thought about what else babies do. They fuss and cry and continue to insist on being pampered for a while. But eventually they decide to open their eyes and see whats up, they lift their head, start moving and adjusting to the weight of the world. Eventually they even decide to open up some to the people around them and talk a bit. Before long they don't want help anymore, they want to do it themselves. The weight of the world didn't go away, those little suckers just got stronger and adapted, eventually thriving with that same weight still there. I thinks that life has stages, at least for me. Like mini births where you feel the weight of the world all over again. There's that whole being born thing, thats a pretty big stage, then it was my parents divorce, graduating high school, marriage, my little boys birth, being a sole provider and whatever else has come my way. During these times where you feel that weight you react like a baby a lot. You whine and cry like no tomorrow. You want someone else to help you, you try to keep your eyes closed thinking its all a bad dream and somebody is going to shove you back into your weightless wonderland. Sometime you need that for a while too. Someone to carry you. Gosh I feel waves of thankfulness for my wife as I type this. She has carried a very immature young man, a very angry man at times and nowadays an old man who sometimes feels like things are just moving way too fast. I hope I have carried her a time or two. Our two amazing kids? They have carried me more than they may ever know. When the weight of the world makes me not want to get up they will hug me, or hand me a piece of paper that tells me how great I am and I get up and move on. Some people, when they feel that weight, they don't have the strength to get up anymore. I guess that can be depression, just an inability to hold up the sky. I really don't have an end to this blog just like I barely had a beginning. Just a thought I thunk the other day and decided to write down.