Recently I had the opportunity to take part in a gathering of men whose sole purpose was to put their physical skill and ability to drink beer to a grueling one day challenge of testicular size and scope.
The Man Games.
Feats of strength, speed, agility and chugging. During the competition you will down around 17-24 beers. This is low to mid quality beer. Being sure to avoid the Keystone cooler at all costs. That does not count the sipping beers to pass the time until your team of two is called in to action. Expect your daily total to be 22-30 beers. This contest was not meant for the faint of heart or World of Warcraft players. It was meant for men. Instead of going into each event, I would like to instead, recap what it takes to have a successful man game experience:
1. No women and no cell phone coverage. This is self explanatory. But I will explanatory it anyways. In order to have your mind and body focused on the task at hand, you cannot be tethered to the grasp of the opposite sex. They cloud the mind and scatter your thoughts. They are your favorite food in the fridge. Out of sight, but within reach, you will be drawn to them. Then you will find the food does not agree with you and wind up leaving early screaming at your food for making you come home.
2. Invite a few people who you are willing to either frame or kill and dispose of their bodies if things go south. Kind of like the opposite of a Bruno Mars song. I will throw a grenade at you. Push you in front of a train, it’s true. You might have to die for us brother, but we won’t do the same. Let me give you a hypothetical situation. 9am and the games are set to start. Everyone is stretching and shaking off the cobwebs from the night before. A ranger approaches with his female partner (assuming subordinate) clapping his hands saying “This is great! This is just awesome! You Guys are great!” Naturally the group feels the ranger is happy to see them. Then the ranger turns evil. His smile to a demented sneer as he unveils his true intentions. “You guys haven’t paid for parking, you’re parked illegally, you’re hacking on a tree with a hatchet and you let off fireworks at two in the morning last night! Either you are all gone when I get back, or I am writing everyone tickets!” He storms away. You try in vain to ask a question as he flexes his pecks to his female accomplice. You are all left standing there wondering who is to blame. Time to turn to the disposables! Thank God we remembered to invite some disposables! As the disposed of participants drive off you are satisfied that the ranger was able to assert his authority while allowing you to stay after assuring him that the perpetrators were expelled from camp.
3. Dress appropriately. In this case, we chose to look like a bunch of dudes on our way to a Chick-Filet protest. Tight clothing, with overtly homosexual messaging as well as brightly colored accessories is a must. This clothing allows for maximum performance during the game due to the form fit and flexibility. It also means that everyone will give their best effort in order to prove that the flamboyant attire is merely a ruse to fool the competition into thinking you are not manly enough
4. Do something stupid and moderately dangerous before and after the games. One example we came up with is “Wrist Rocket Roulette.” Sit in a circle, do a quick hand check, then begin to have your designated sling shot operator shoot his ammunition straight up in the air. Then just wait for it to hit someone on the head. The anticipation of getting struck will give you goose bumps and plenty of giggles. Make sure the biggest and manliest looking among you whines the most during this game. That adds in the ever important comedy factor that you need at any man game event. Light armor can be used for protection. I chose a paper plate to protect my freshly shaved head. A stupid choice like potentially losing an eye will keep things light and funny. This activity never gets old. You can also do easier games like, “Throw the football at people who aren’t looking” Or “Hatchet in a crowd.”
5. Vomit at strategic points in the game, not just when you “feel” like it. I chose to induce vomiting two events prior to the iron man challenge that closes out the games. The iron man is a six pack chugging contest. Three beers per partner. This was a key turning point in team-Some like it hot-s medal hopes as it allowed me to be on an empty stomach going into the finals.
6. Have a gluten intolerant person in attendance. This makes sure you have someone to judge the competition because they can’t drink beer! Make sure you bring a striped tank top and booty shorts to make it clear who the referee is. Try to get them to drink anyway in hopes of seeing the look on their face when the gluten hits their system. We were unfortunate enough to not get to witness it at this year’s event, but hopes are high for 2013.
Put this event on your bucket list. After all, we do things like this for two main reasons. The first and most obvious is for the experience itself. The second reason we do it, is to have a story to tell. Some of the best times I have come when I sit around with friends and we share stories. I want stories to tell. To be able to say “One time I flew from Los Angeles to Oregon to win a little John Wayne trophy for third place in the man games. I wore neon yellow and green trimmed underwear with a tight shirt that said “First Come First Served” on it. I think the park ranger thought he walked up on a Tosh.0 fan club meeting. We all passed out at like ten o’clock and thought Steve was dead when he wasn’t moving the next day.”
To my fellow participants, including the disposables, I extend my thanks. To my wife who was more than happy to have me go-I think I paid you back in full upon my return.
